[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
That eye roll….
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)