[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.