calling in to work dehydrated
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I have so many questions.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”