Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.