[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was