me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”