My Plans 2020
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.