Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.