[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.