*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
🤣😈🤣
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.