[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
sin harder.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe