[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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i smell a pulitzer
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
yes… yes…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship