[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
who will stop them
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.