Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I won’t be in today
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: I want a…
Debit card: Nope.
Me: Ok. Just making sure.
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect