Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I’m gonna be late…
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m your father ……
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*