*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Do one person every day that scares you.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead