@Marcmywords2

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

You Might Also Like

@not_thenanny

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

@the_anastasia

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

@mauleePillar

Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.

@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@PaperWash

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

@NickBossRoss

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

@sarcasticmommy4

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?