*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

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Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


My desires are… unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)


me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good


How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1


I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.