My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
Facebook: she’s racist now
Facebook: everyone on here is
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?