I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…
“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Me: *floors it*
I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.
Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.
Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.