*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.