@RdrJay47

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

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@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@anne_theriault

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*