Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
*our eyes lock and we kiss*