*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
You Might Also Like
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?