Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Meow?

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks