[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
You Might Also Like
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*