My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol
ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn
“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.