At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You Might Also Like
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
In case of emergency, run faster than everyone else.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.