@Thynebear

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

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@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

@TheAlexP

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@ArfMeasures

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

@WorstCassie

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.