@PeaceInTruth1

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

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@Halbeerz

“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

@clarkekant

I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@OctopusCaveman

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

@BunAndLeggings

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@mattgallo123

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@Social_Mime

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

@ManvAlcohol

What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.