“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
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I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.