*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.