*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.