[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
#Caturday
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow