[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.


Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup


Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*


“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome


The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.


Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.


Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.


Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.