@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

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@BritXMeh

My spouse reminds me of He-Man.

He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.

@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@candyflippin

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

@Thynebear

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.

@Scdavis24

My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@6_speedmomma

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

@SufficientCharm

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HEYYYY MACARENA