[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

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My spouse reminds me of He-Man.

He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.


The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles


How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.


[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no


me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement


[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.


Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.


My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure


Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome


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