My spouse reminds me of He-Man.
He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
How to break up with someone:
You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.
It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.
My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”
Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.
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