[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
excuse me
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not