*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Lmfao
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe