*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

You Might Also Like


Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU


So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.


I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.


The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story


Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.


[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]


I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.


*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”



[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager