@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

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@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@Gupton68

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

@mulva74

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@thenatewolf

I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.

@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager