*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses