Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.