*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*