*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

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*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*


Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.


Me: You can talk!


I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.


Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true


Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)


Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.


wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something


Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”