@murrman5

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

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@Gupton68

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

@HandfulOfLewds

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@AbbieEvansXO

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@nerdreign

Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

@TinyNietzsche

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”