@SabotagedSmoke

*Calls timeout during street fight to tie shoelaces*

You Might Also Like

@Storminika

It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@canadasandra

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

@Reverend_Scott

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

@fairlyliterary

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@henchbeaver

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park

@Livsey1

If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”