It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.
*Calls timeout during street fight to tie shoelaces*
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I think I took the wrong pill from that Morpheus guy.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
What are WE?
What are WE gonna do?
When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park
If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”