When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…