@internetluke

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

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@AmandaRNH

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

@juliussharpe

Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@dafloydsta

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@LizHackett

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

@mrtimlong

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

ME: Four boxes would be great.

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.