[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for