[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Something Saturday.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*