It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me when someone tries to get to know me