@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

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@wyatt_privilege

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@rickolantern

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

@Marlebean

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic

@AntozWolf

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

@jwoodham

Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

@ghostkrogh

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first