*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You Might Also Like
I’m not lazy
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.