[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

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I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’


I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that


Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.


Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box


If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?


I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.


Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.


*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound


Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.


Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.