[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
You Might Also Like
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I wish I could veto my bills.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
#ProTip
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.