@PaperWash

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

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@hero_ofthenight

I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’

@behindyourback

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

@richardosman

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

@Mr_Bum_to_You

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

@Book_Krazy

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.