Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.

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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent


Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.


me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her


Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that


When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…

Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.


A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps


I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her