Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!
– RL partying sounds so violent
Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
yesterday a man corrected my pronunciation of my name
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…
Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.
A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her