@CheryeDavis

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

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@chicnlil1

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@envydatropic

Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@rachelle_mandik

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

@truegritrumble

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

@Dmvm1977

Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.

Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.