Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China