jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You Might Also Like
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
#Caturday
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
checking out some reviews of my local library
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.