Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
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The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.