Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Um … Hot Wings please
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together