Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

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Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need


Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.


Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.


Me: Good night Moon


Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!


World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.


I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.


I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.


I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting