@The_Perturbator: Calm down, Norway.
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@GrantTanaka: [accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery] teller: WHAT me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY teller: WHAT me: THE MONEY teller: GOD IT'S HOT IN HERE
@DepecheALAmode: I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
@simoncholland: Apparently it’s "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.