Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
excuse me
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.