White Castle for the Win
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.