Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
getting groceries
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.