Calm down, psychopaths.
Nobody seizes a Tuesday.

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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.


We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends


if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover


The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem


him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this


I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.