Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
fixed it
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby