BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.