@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

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@batkaren

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@KoKeniSasquatch

Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.

@causticbob

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

@kylegaddo

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

@prufrockluvsong

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.